little did she know...: the waiting room

i am home and it is so good.

it is like crawling back into a warm cocoon of sunshine and being rocked to sleep by old comforting breezes under my familiar blanket of texas stars. my brain could scarcely believe the first sip my eyes took of my dear old street, but it didn’t waste time in asking for refills.

i hugged the porch pillar. i hugged the walls. i walked in a state of disbelief and bliss down my street. and i just can’t get enough.

the weather austin was throwing at me the first few days i was here only confirmed that texas and i are meant to be. it prompted opening of bedroom windows (i live in a tree house), and sticking feet out of window to allow the breeze to flare out my potato head pants and kiss my toes with morning sunshine.

mom's candy corn is my favorite kind

iced coffee is back in business...doughnut holes never went out of business

and oh the shadows that play on the hall floors.

wood floors and sunshine are like texas and me: meant for each other.

after the external renewal of our friendship and the unavoidable joy it gave me soaking it all in- my street and my house

my moon and stars

my Church

my h-e-b, my pizza from the grove

in short, my texas

the reality of home gently penetrated the impulsive state of euphoria.

my Mimi is suffering. my Momma is in pain watching her momma suffer. the substance of home--what made texas home to me--it is filled with sadness and anticipation of loss.
Mimi is waiting for the Beloved to whisper her name in invitation to be with Him forever. she is waiting to be free from the pain and suffering she dwells in on this side of that thin veil between Heaven and earth. and i count myself completely blessed by He Who is Love to have a seat right next to her in that waiting room.

i began to think of Mimi’s room as the waiting room this weekend when my whole family was gathered together in there.

i can’t even begin to say what beauty and gift it is to have a family that turns to Christ together and hopes together for the joy of resurrection in the midst of sadness for the loss of a dear and beloved soul.

and, as i lay next to Mimi in her little bed, holding her hand as i have wanted to do since her hospital stay, and my family sat in a circle of chairs and filled that little space with the songs of praise that Mimi so loves, i felt i was in this place between time and eternity.

Mimi is nearing the end of her time in this life, but in the grand scheme of things, none of us are far behind her. i am not meaning to sound morbid, but feeling the nearness of death that i have since i have been home has reiterated to me that the earth, and this life, is all of our waiting room. it is where we have been put to prepare for what we were created for: eternity to dwell in perfect Love with the Holy Trinity and all those saints who have gone before us.

we were made for perfect happiness, perfect Love, perfect Joy and Peace and Beauty. the earth, and this life, though certainly lovely and filled with blessings, does not fit that description; and Mimi, by the Grace of God, is looking forward to the Joy she was made for. she keeps waking up and saying “i thought i would be in Heaven by now”, which makes us sad for her now, but simultaneously hopeful for that moment when she will wake up and won’t have to say that anymore. life is strange and death even stranger. i desire that sweet freedom that death will bring Mimi; and i dread the moment when she will no longer be able to give my hand a sweet little squeeze, worth even more because she has no strength to spare.

i spend much of the time in her waiting room praying, lying next to her, sitting in the chair by her bed reading and watching her chest rise and fall as she dreams of going Home. last night my dad came in and both momma and i were in the room and he kind of laughed and commented on us both sitting in there just reading in silence, and mom said we are her “ladies-in-waiting”. i couldn't have said it better. she is the center of our focus right now, and rightly so. she is Christ living among us, suffering in our midst.
Jesus is in that bed and we must be there to serve Him present in His beloved daughter. we are His ladies-in-waiting, and thus we are her ladies-in-waiting. and we wait with her for her divine Summons.

i was given the most beautiful gift today. the gift of all gifts. i was the one who brought Jesus in the Eucharist to Mimi today. the Bread of Life. Food for her journey. there are no words to describe the unworthiness and the blessedness i feel in being the one who delivered to my Mimi the Lamb of God. and i see in the midst of the darkness of this life the Light shines and offers strength to the weary as we wait in hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

all will be well.

i miss my siblings and having aunt Julie here. we were meant to love and serve the Lord together. i am so grateful for my parents.

momma praising Jesus

i am so grateful for the example of love and showing us all what it is to be a true servant that my mom has given to us all in caring so beautifully for her mother. no one could ask for a better nurse. like i said, i used to enjoy being sick because of the care i received from my momma when i stayed home.

in between the sadness and the beauty of togetherness in the waiting room, we were given the gift of the lighter joys of life and my craving for the taste of home was satisfied to the max. it started with lunch at foodheads on Saturday for the pulled pork that began to rock my chaplain world a year ago and has not stopped ever since.

the yellow rose of texas

it reminds me of hard days that held a sliver of sunshine in the middle, having lunch with my pops on the porch of a charming old house-turned-restaurant amidst the general austin hipster fare that garnishes downtown much to my chagrin.

food heads...get it ?

it was so grand being out with the whole famdamly for such a delicious rendezvous.

i enjoyed it so much i wanted seconds. and though most of the family scattered to fulfill their respective duties, my old partner in crime and i rode off into the brilliant gleam of midday Texas fall sunshine, top down, chromes spinning.

okay, so we didn’t have chromes, but we had some sweet action old country songs to jam to on the way to one of my other favorite austin treats that also happened to be a safe haven of sunshine and happiness during cloudy (figuratively) and sad chaplain days.

back then, i would sit on a picnic table at Sandy’s after ordering my treat dujour---oh who am i kidding--treat dulife, oreo shake-heavy on the oreos por favor, and just savor the warmth of the sun on my back, the open air around me and the sweet escape it was from the hospital.

enough of the chummy memories; li and i made some grand new ones at sandy’s. i ordered extra oreos on the side because i have learned the hard way that ordering extra oreos inside the shake is like ordering extra air. i mean the results are the same. i learned this trick from my other treat partner in crime, emily. props, em.

come to mama

oh to the baby

we sat in the convertible, sun pouring in, and enjoyed the view of a perfectly teal-hued florist shop complimented perfectly by its’ charming neighbor tree dancing in the breeze.

apparently, the leaves on this tree get to wear pink for their fall wardrobe. of course they do. this is texas, after all.

loving on the june bug (new baby)

i was born to drive a convertible

i capped off this deliciousness with a plummy manicure on the front porch of goodness with big sister

did i mention that the weather was p e r f e c t

and enjoyed dessert in the form of rocking chair plus wine plus sunset sky

all of this equals a texas appetite stranded in virginia satiated at last. (no offense virginia, i like you, too, but well...it’s texas).

i know without a doubt that i am exactly where i am meant to be at this moment. i see now why the Lord lovingly denied me that full-time benefits and salary packaged deal job despite my complaining and whining and general lack of faith. He had home warming in the oven for me. and it is sad, and blessed, and wonderful.

and don’t worry, i still plan to go back to virginia. but i’m not going to be thinking about that until necessary except to think about the goodness of being with my little bear and siblings again, and thanksgiving and the Advent season, and decorating for Christmas.