taking the backseat

I have been lately undergoing what I call a purification of desire.  Through the assistance of a lot of grace, and a beautiful book called Interior Freedom (highly recommend), I am in the beginning stages of understanding what Blessed Mother Theresa meant when she said this:

“We are at Jesus' disposal. If he wants you to be sick in bed, if he wants you to proclaim His work in the street, if he wants you to clean the toilets all day, that's all right, everything is all right. We must say, "I belong to you. You can do whatever you like." And this is our strength, and this is the joy of the Lord." – Bl. Teresa of Calcutta

Namely, that happiness is not found in our circumstances, it is found in knowing Jesus and desiring His will be done in every moment of our lives--and trusting that it is alright, everything is alright, for if God allowed any moment of pain or suffering, it is because He will bring a greater good from it.  Good for us and those around us.  

Friday at work, I had a moment somewhat akin to a scene from Nanny Diaries.  If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s the story of a nanny in a rich family who essentially is raising the child.  The big moment for her was when the little boy told her that he loved her.  And even though our situations are really different (I am not a 24/7 Nanny by any stretch), I will dare to up the ante.  I see her an “I love you” and raise her a million times more heart jerking moment. 

I was sitting in a rocking chair surrounded by blushing pink walls, a mini crystal chandelier, pink flowers blooming down upon me from the ceiling, and the name Ella, painted white and speckled with tiny flowers serving as a hanger for Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty princess gowns in miniature.  Both awaiting in all their blue and pink sparkly, touley majesty for a little girl to prance about in should the mood strike her.  The closet doors were ajar enough to give any visitor a glance into the perfect collection of little girl clothes standing in orderly attention upon their hangers awaiting to be summoned by their mistress.  The body of the bed was cloaked in Dora the Explorer sheets and comforter, and the head crowned by 3 pillow pets (a lady bug, a pig, and a unicorn, respectively).  

On the floor lay a red suitcase opened and eagerly filling its’ belly with Ella’s selection for her weekend visit to her mother’s house.  Ella herself was flitting from drawers, to closet, to hovering over the suitcase to fold and lay perfectly her fortunate favorites (a Christmas shirt, and a Halloween shirt that says “so cute it’s scary”, respectively).  My personal favorite, (rainbow striped leggings) I am pleased to say, also made the cut.  She decided after most of the job was done, that she wasn’t feeling the packing vibe anymore, and instead came over and started rocking the chair beside me and singing “rock a bye baby”, stopping only to announce that I am the baby in this scenario-a role I am willing to take if it allows me to be quietly rocked for a moment.  

Then she stood in front of me and told me she wanted to occupy my lap, so I hoisted the little ragamuffin aboard, and she immediately assumed the cozy curl position that she will only be able to achieve for a little bit longer, as time shall weave its’ magic over her and one day will succeed in masking the little girl.  The sweet, fragile, little one that will always be within her, but will be one day hidden from the view of those of us on the outside.  At least the ones that will not bother to look hard enough.  

I sang to her and rocked her for a few more moments, but, in true extrovert form,  it became clear that it was conversation Ella was after.  We talked about how little she once was when she lived in her mama’s belly (I don’t remember how that came up, but I could say that about 80% of our conversations because girlfriend is queen of the non-sequitor).  She asked how she ate during that time in the darkness when only her Creator could see who she was, and I did my best to explain it.  I think I did alright since I have come to find that I am fluent in 4-year-old.

Then, of course, I started talking about how God knew her from the very beginning, when she was so tiny no one even knew she was there.  I told her how much God loves her.  

And there we were, steadily rocking back and forth.  The top of her head right under my chin, her arm wrapped around my neck, and I heard her little voice say it:

“I want you to be my mom”.

I cannot believe I was able to keep it together, for the thought of it brings tears to my eyes now.  This little girl, whose heart has already been broken, wishing someone she has known for 2 months was her mother.  I held her and kissed her head and told her she has the perfect Mother in Heaven that loves her so much.  That her mom loves her as best she can, but no person can ever love us perfectly like we want them to.  That’s why it’s so great that we have the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and Mary.  

We have the perfect Father in Heaven and the perfect Mother in Heaven that Love us just as we need to be loved.  I reminded her of all the other people God has given her in her life to love her.  I told her that Jesus and Mary are always with us-all we have to do is ask them to be here and they will.  And you know what she did right then and there? She prayed a simple prayer from her little heart: “Please be here”. And they were there.

 She asked why she can’t hear them, and I said she can in the Bible and through other people.  I told her they are speaking to her through me-that they wanted me to tell her they Love her and are always with her.

We took a hiatus-she got restless as 4 year olds are wont to do.  She flitted about a bit more and finished the packing job and zipped the suitcase up.  Then she looked at me and said “now it’s your turn”.  She grabbed my hand and made for the suitcase and told me to get in.  I sat down in front of her and told her I couldn’t go with her.  I need to go home and rest so I can be ready to play with her on Monday.  I asked her to pray for me to be all healthy for our time together next week and she prayed “Please let Elisa be well so she can play with me.  You’re so nice.”  

Jesus must have smiled.
She looked at me with a big smile and big eyes and said “I know he heared us”.  I told her He can hear us even if we only think our prayers in our head, she then hugged me told me we were to  close our eyes and pray.  And we remained like that for a few moments, hugging and praying in silence together.  She then released and looked at me and said again “I know He heared me”.  I assured her that He always hears us.  

We went back to business as usual after that.  Picking up her brother from the bus stop. Coloring.  Bradford turning on TV and watching a show that is not age appropriate for Ella.  Both of them becoming incensed at my nerve because I vocalize my objection.  Ella telling me she won’t like me anymore if I change the channel.  Me telling her that I care about her too much to let her watch that crapola (not the word I used by the word that is most fitting for the stuff on TV).  I put on a DVD of the Backyardigans (such a relief to my overly sponge bobbed mind) and sighed a relief that I wouldn’t have to listen intently for the gavel to fall proving again that Teen Nick shows are not appropriate for either of them to watch.  Ella being calmed by the mesmerizing box that my disdain for has grown exponentially since I began this job.  I consider it a successful days work if the tv does not go on once whilst I am there.  

bend it like Dorothy

But I will keep those moments of Ella’s fragile little heart being opened and exposed, and so very thirsty for love, close to my heart.  She wasn’t wanting just any love.  She craves the Love that only Jesus offers.  It became so clear how much like this little one I am.  How much like her we all are.  Desperate for Love, for acceptance, for comfort and safety in the arms of one that loves us unconditionally.  

But we have all experienced, like this precious one, the pain of rejection.  The pain of love betrayed, and a heart broken and left longing for more.  We reach out for anyone that could fill that void left, or anything that will distract us from that void.  And Jesus waits, arms open wide on the Cross, dying of Love for us.  

The only Love that will ever satisfy and fill that void.  He waits so patiently until we have tried everything else and finally turn back to the Creator of our hearts. The only one that knows the secret of our happiness.  He knows it because He created us and put our desires in us for them to be satisfied by Him alone.  And sadly, sometimes it takes being smashed to pieces before we fully give ourselves back to Him.  I know that from experience.  But He is patient and faithful and only wants us to be happy.  

Our happiness is nowhere else but Him.  It’s not in the perfect life that we imagined for ourselves once upon a time.  It’s not in how many people like and or love us.  It’s not in how successful our jobs or careers turn out.  It’s not in how great or poorly your children turn out.  It’s not in how physically attractive we are or how much money we have or how many friends we have.  It’s not in how good our health is.  Those are all blessings to rejoice in if we receive them, but they are not essential for a happy life.  If that was the case, how dismal being human would be.  

Because, I don’t know about you, but I have not ever been in a place where every single circumstance in my life was ideal.  So, we can wait around for God to magically give us everything we think will make us happy; or we can trust that He, the Creator of the Universe/our immortal souls, and our Savior, knows better what will bring us happiness in this life and prepare us for the Next.  Can you imagine what peace and freedom we would know if we truly trusted and lived every moment in the Truth that God is in control and that no matter what happens, He can bring good out of it for our souls and for those around us?  

Believe me when I say that I have tried a lot of different outfits on life and coping with the hard parts of life, but when all was stripped away and those different methods stood naked in front of me I finally saw them for what they really were.  Without their fancy garb, they were just my efforts to control my life and not let God get a word in edgewise.  I said “Thy Will be done” but always attached in parentheses was (caviat: as long as Your will looks like what I have in mind for my life).  

If I can simply say Thy Will be Done without anything attached to it, then I will be free.  Free to live for the only thing that will give any human true happiness in this life: A real relationship with Jesus.  Free because no matter what suffering may come, no matter how my plans fall through and change, I can know that whatever is the reality of my life will be the way God will most perfectly get me to Himself.  Which is the whole point of life.  To get back to God and be with Him for eternity.  

If I start living my moments in that truth, I cannot imagine what will come of it.  I have not tried it yet, but I am pretty darn fed up with my way of doing life.   It is a life of fear and not daring to do anything.  Frankly speaking, that fear is legit, because apart from Him I really can’t do anything, and If I try to, it will end up no good. So, I want my way to have nothing to do with it anymore. It'about time to let God do the driving.

God’s desires are so much bigger for us: “I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).  That is proven in the way He came for us.  Who among us would ever have the idea of God becoming human and saving us by taking upon Himself, though completely innocent, the punishment we deserve?  Who amongst us would believe or think that God could bring the greatest good of our salvation out of the most wretched suffering known to man?  Who but God could bring Resurrection out of death?  

And the longer I keep trying to do it my way, the longer i will be living a very pathetic version of the life God actually wants to give me.  We cannot take it or make it happen on our own, this abundant life.  It must be given.  But He won’t give it unless we ask Him for it since He Loves us so much He won’t trample on our freedom.  Our freedom to accept or reject His Love, His Will, and His desires for us.  

All we must do is ask.  “Ask and it will be given to you” Matthew 7:7

This means we have to give up control.  Over and over again (because it will take A LOT of practice).  But, He is patient, and He will provide all the grace we need.  We just have to keep asking.  

I will be baby stepping this like I do everything else, but this is what life is.  Constant letting go and giving what is God’s back to Him: ourselves, and our lives.    

People have told me in the past to choose to be happy.  Until now, I have thought that this is impossible.  How can I be happy while I watch Mimi suffer?  How can I be happy when I am sick? How can I be happy when any difficult and painful thing happens to me?  I can cope, I can endure, but be happy I cannot.  I see now that choosing happiness is simply choosing God in every moment.  Giving ourselves and our lives to Him in every moment, whatever the circumstances may be.  I may not feel great or especially happy, but I can choose the One Who brings life and joy and happiness out of death and sorrow.  

That doesn’t mean I won’t grieve and mourn and be sad, but it means I will not be overcome by these. “Weeping may enter at night, but joy comes with the dawn” Psalm 30:5.

Suffering and death are an inescapable part of the human condition.  But it is a condition that God Himself willingly took on.  And He transformed it.  Death now leads to Life everlasting.  Suffering now can draw us closer to Christ and allow us to help others who suffer and do not know they have Christ to turn to.  

“I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient.
I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need.
I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me.” Philippians 4:11-13

Alleluia!

I love Baptisms and one of my favorite parts that almost always makes me cry is when the priest says to the baby “I claim you for Christ”.  A shiver of joy and happiness goes through all of me, because I remember that I too was claimed for Christ as a baby, and I belong to Him come what may.  He left us with the Sacraments to help us through, because He knows we need all the help we can get.  

the day I received the most beautiful gift my parents ever gave me: Baptism

My beloved Goddaughter being claimed for Christ

I read something recently about the pain it takes for us to be born into this world.  The pain for the mother and the pain that the child undoubtedly suffers (thank Heaven that we don’t recall that experience).  When I was with Mimi in her last days, I thought how similar this is to being born.  The anticipation, the not being sure of when it will happen or what will happen to the immortal soul that  will be coming into the world or leaving it, the immense pain, and most of all, the hope that life will be the outcome of it all.  

Mimi waiting for Jesus to take her Home

The author suggested that one of the reasons it costs so much to give birth is to remind us of what great beauty and joy can result from great pain and suffering if we step back and let God do what He does and stop trying to control our lives.  

“Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.” John 12: 24

some seriously beautiful fruit from suffering 

He has a bigger and better plan for each of us than we have for ourselves.  His dream for us is greater than we can imagine and He wants us to be indescribably happy.  So much so that He left Heaven for it.  He loves us enough to allow pain and suffering in our lives, so that we become more like Jesus, so that we learn how to love, and so that He might teach us that after death there is always new life in Him.  

I pray for you and for myself, that we would live as fully as possible in this truth all of our days.  

Happy Resurrection day!  He is Risen! Alleluia!