Ellaisms and Wonderbread

Ella says about a thousand hilarious/adorable things a week. 

And I forget most of them because usually, these comments are the pieces of fluffy white wonderbread holding together a really meaty interior life in her tiny little frame, that I have to try to digest daily.  

Like when she asked me “what’s the valley of the shadow of death mean?”, or “what does ‘spoil your dreams mean?”, or, the most heart rending: “when are you going to be my mom?”.  You know, the simple things to explain to a little mind with very big questions.  

To balance it, she comes out with “(as she is running to the bathroom) I need to take a whiz”,  “When I see God, I’m going to give Him a lollipop”, and “I feel...huggable”.  

She is huggable, that is for darn sure.  

When she asked me what does “spoil your dreams” means (a phrase she picked up from the Bible verse song CDs we listen to every day starring 2 guardian angels, a couple of kids trying to make their way in the world, and a whole lot of cheese), I had a moment of self-revelation. 

As I have mentioned, personal examples always work best for Ella when it comes to explaining things.  So, I got personal . Well, to be honest, I tried to stay general at first. But it didn't last,  and it gave me the opportunity to say aloud the burning desire and fear residing in the cockles (yes cockles) of my heart to another human who does not understand the weight or gravity of what I am saying, or so I think.  


Round 1:
“A dream is another way of saying something you really want or hope to happen someday, but it hasn’t happened yet, and spoil is another way of saying mess up, so she is saying that you shouldn’t let anyone tell you that your dreams can’t come true, because only God knows your future and what will happen, no one else does”.
Her common response to something like this  predictably followed:
“Can you say that again?”
That’s 4 year old for: “What the heck are you talking about?”. 

And that’s when I know I have to get specific.  Kids deal in the tangible, not the theoretical.  That’s why any time we go to a church, Ella is drawn to the statues of the Blessed Mother.  She wants to touch them, kiss her hands, and talk to her. 

In fact, that’s not just a kid thing, all humans like to touch and see and hear what we are trying to know or understand.  We all have that  doubting Thomas in us.  God knows that, that’s why He became touchable, seeable, and hearable, and has remained so in the Eucharist.  We couldn’t truly know Him otherwise. 

So, I tried to make this idea touchable for Ella.  
Ding.  Round 2.  
“I have a dream of having babies”
“But you have your nieces”, she replied
“I mean have my own, from my own body, with my own husband”
“But you have your nieces”, she repeated
“It’s different than having your own”
“Oh, because you aren’t their mom, so you can’t decide everything for what they do”
“Yeah something like that.  It’s just different having your own.”
(all hail Ella, queen of the digressions)
“That’s one of my dreams, and someone trying to spoil them would be someone who came to me and said ‘you will never get married or have children’.  I might not get married or have kids, but that’s God’s decision, and so I want whatever He wants, because I know it will make me happiest”
“But what if you don’t have kids?”, she wondered with the biggest eyes she could muster, and unknowingly voiced a potential heartbreak for me.
“Then it is not what God wants for me, and I want whatever He wants, and whatever He wants is for the best and will make me happiest”  I replied, all the while craving the interior conviction that my words suggested I possessed of the truth of this statement.
After that, I’m pretty sure something derailed the conversation, like the attention span of a 4 year old.  She had had enough meat and wanted some more wonderbread.  

I did, too.  But, it’s easier for 4 years old to move on from the meat than it is for a 26 year old.  Especially for this one.  If we were going to get technical, I would say my life is 99% meat and 1% wonderbread.  

Not a very balanced diet, especially for someone who likes bread as much as I.  I mean, check it out. I am a rainbow hunter. Because rainbows are part of the wonderbread lovers culture, and these babies were just hanging out on the kitchen counter and the kitchen blinds the other morning. And I secretly want to be the Lisa Frank of bloggers.

But, most of the time I am not hunting rainbows, even though I may wish it was my full-time gig.  
Most of the time, I find myself having to say in faith many statements like the one I said to Ella, not much feeling like what I said is true.  Fake it 'till I make it theory. And it is okay to go there from time to time, asking myself “do I trust Him?”.  Do I believe that God has beauty and happiness in store for me in this life, though it will probably come in very unexpected ways (like rainbows on the kitchen blinds)?  

By the grace of God, I hope the answer is yes.  But, I live way too long in the “if” world.  What if yadda yadda yadda? And God does not deal in ifs, He deals in Reality (as I read in a bomb Holy Thursday reflection). Jesus waits for us in reality, and what will be, well, it will be.  But, I have 0% idea of what the future holds.  Aside from what Jesus promises of the future, I know zip.  And what He promises gives a person reason to hope:
“I am with you always, even until the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20)
“What eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Corinthians 2:9)
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future full of hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).  

In other words, He has got it covered. So chill out. Easier said than done, believe me, I know. But try to be still and trust, fail, and try again.
So the menu needs a re-write, and the questions changed:  “Do you trust me right now in this moment that I Love you infinitely and desire your happiness in this life and the next?”. “Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands, and bring your hand and put it into my side, and do not be unbelieving, but believe” John 27:20

Believe that after death there is Resurrection.  That after the Sorrowful Mysteries come the Glorious ones.  There is no other moment that exists besides this one, and my ability to question and project about the future is (for me) a hindrance to the joys and loves He has in mind just now.  In this one moment.  

Every moment, for me, is a struggle to let go of myself and trust He will catch me.  Welcome to the human condition, right.  Adam and Eve figured they needed some control in the situation,  as if they could do more or better than God.  Their children have followed suit.  This apple (me) does not fall far from that family tree.  

So, I just keep waiting, praying, and hoping, for that freedom of trusting in the darkness.  Because I cannot free myself from these things anymore than I can fly.  Or breathe without God willing that I do so.  All is in, through, and with Him.  All is grace. 

I have moments of panic, when I feel nothing will ever change, and I will be stuck in this odd place between the little lost girl and becoming the woman I was created to be. And I know I will always be a work in progress, and the little girl will always be there, because we are all just little children in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. 

But, I have this undeniable intuition that I haven't quite made it to where I am supposed to be, and want to be. I am still on that darn plane, taxiing that darn runway, and the legs are getting all cramped and numb from this drawn out process of taking off (see this post for further in depth airplane analogies)  
But, you know what He says:
"Yes the Lord is waiting to show you favor, and He rises to pity you; For the LORD is a God of justice: blessed are all who wait for Him!" Isaiah 30:18
And, He is a Man of His Word.
"And the Word became flesh, and made His dwelling among us" John 1:14
So I will keep waiting. And I will keep saying it, a thousand times a day if I have to:
Fiat
Thy Will be done
Be it done unto me according to Thy word

Because, as I told Ella, He knows what will make me happiest, and who doesn’t want to be happy? Can I get an Amen?

Amen. And happy friday!