thankful

“this wasn’t supposed to be hard” Sean began as he choked back tears during his eulogy at Mimi’s wake, “my first line was going to be ‘I am so happy’”.  and thus we embark on this strange experience of losing a loved and cherished one.  we are so happy that Mimi is free; but still, pain threads through all feelings despite our joy for Mimi’s unending Life in Love’s embrace.  

and grief is the strange new guest that has settled down for a long winters nap in my soul.  i have seen more death than many due to my work in the ICU as a chaplain.  death was a fairly common presence for me then; and i would not have called it the most difficult part of my job.  i had a pretty solid perspective on death back then, you know?  it was a part of life and something we all have to face sooner or later.  and thanks be to God, it is not the end.  there is unfettered and incalculable measures of Hope and Joy for one who leaves this earth in the arms of Love-the arms of Jesus.  

but,  in the past month, death became something much closer to me-much more real.  and i watched and waited with my dearest Mimi for the Beloved to whisper the divine Summons and carry her Home in His arms.  all of my time here has been with that goal in mind: stay here with Mimi and help her prepare for the happiest day of her life.  the day that all of her dreams would come true.  she would praise Jesus without anything holding her back.  she would see again, she would dance and sing again, she would have no more suffering, no more pain, no more chains to hold her to this earth.  she would be Free.  

and we waited, and we prayed, and we hoped, and we struggled and suffered with her.  we cried, and were tired, and we desired for that day to come.  we hoped it for Mimi, who asked every day “why hasn’t He taken me Home yet?”.  we hoped it for ourselves, because it was so difficult to be with someone we love just waiting to die.  it was all gift, but it was painful.  it was a cross we were asked to help Mimi carry.  just like Jesus was so incredibly Humble that He allowed one of His creatures to help Him carry His cross, so again He offered His creatures the divine privilege of helping Him to carry His cross.  this time He was carrying it through Mimi.  and just as Simon found it a difficult burden to take up, so did we.  but none of us would ever desire differently.  this was His School of Love for us.  He taught us all how to love in the waiting room with Mimi.  it was the most beautiful experience of my life and i cannot believe i received the gift of being with her to the end. i am, in a word, thankful.  

and all of the sudden, like a thief in the night, He came to her, took her by the hand, and led her Home.  momma said she expected to feel some undeniable supernatural Presence at the moment the Lord chose for Mimi from eternity.  but it made sense she didn’t feel a difference.  He had been there all along with us.  waiting in that room with us, along with Mary, St. Joseph, and our guardian angels.  He never left us.  so He didn’t have to enter the room to take her Home.  He just finally lifted the veils from her eyes and showed Himself to her, and it took her breath away, like the sight of Him will take all of our breaths away one day.  and she is Free.  

and all we were waiting for, praying for, hoping for, and dreading, happened in an instant. she was gone from our sight.  it was so unbelievably tangible that she was no longer in her body as i knelt beside it and prayed with my parents our beloved chaplet of Divine Mercy.  my first thought as i held her hand, the first thought that made me cry was “she is finally free.  she is free”.  

she could not have a had a more beautiful death, though it was filled with suffering.  she was able to say goodbye to everyone that she loved.  she received Last Rites more than once, and, up until Monday, she received the Eucharist daily.  and i will never understand how i was given the gift of bringing her Viaticum--her last Eucharist.  her Food for the journey Home.  it was such an unbelievably Beautiful, Spirit-filled, Holy moment, and so undeserved i can only marvel at the Grace and Mercy He poured out upon me during this time. 

 

i received not only the gift of being with Mimi in her last days; but I had a front row seat to observe my mother live the Gospel.  “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends” (John 15:13).  my momma laid her life down for her mother.  no daughter could ever have done better for her mother; and no girl (me) could ever have a better example of what it means to love, to sacrifice, and to suffer and die to oneself for the sake of love for another.  i was surrounded by saints this past month, and it was a most wonderful and precious gift.  i am indescribably thankful.

and in a blink of an eye there were relatives, and services, and hotels, and toasts to Mimi’s life, and memories recalled, and laughter, and hugs, and a lot of tears, and a beautiful funeral mass, and rosaries, and chaplets, and pink roses to place on her coffin that were perfect for Mimi. 

and then there was a reception with food that was so Mimi, and there were kids running around screaming and laughing, and the patented cousin photos, and hurried goodbyes

and then a dark drive back to austin. back to the empty room where we waited with our Mimi for what seemed like much longer than it was.

it can’t be real.  Mimi can’t be gone from us forever.  that is what a grieving heart wants to convince me of.  and a well informed theological brain says it is not forever.  and the great gift of faith rooted in the Resurrection of Christ and the Truth that we were made for Heaven says it is not forever.  and i believe them both.  but a grieving heart needs more time.  more time to process this strange, unprecedented reality.  

up until now, the Resurrection of the dead has been vital for my life because it has been the deepest and greatest desire of my heart and soul.  my dearest hope is to be with the Blessed Trinity for eternity.  

but now, my desire for eternity has developed a new layer.  i want to be with Mimi again.  and i know she is in Heaven.  i know it.  and i know she is praying for me and with me. especially at our special hour for prayer- 3:00 PM-the hour of Divine Mercy.  and while i miss her very much, i am glad she is where she was always meant to be.  and i am glad death will not be as scary for me when i am called Home.  because i will not only have Jesus, Who up until my death is veiled in the Eucharist, to look forward to seeing.  i will have my Mimi to welcome me Home.  and for this, i am so very thankful.  

God is incomprehensibly Good.  

i am now trying to ease back into time and life.  but i might as well be trying to adjust to earth after being in outer space for a jaunt around the milk way.  it is all so unfamiliar to me.  i was glad today to hear people wishing one another happy thanksgivings.  it was the familiar making it’s first attempts at reestablishing contact with me.  i believe it’s going to take a lot more than that, but it was a start.  and i am a slow mover, so baby steps, life, if you please.  

i am home still and my whole family is here.  it is such a gift.  especially to have the littlest bear with us.  and her new baby sister blooming inside her mama.  praise God from Whom all blessings flow

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we have a new soul praying for us in Heaven.  and she was an expert pray-er on earth, so i can only imagine how much better she has gotten since her Homecoming.  

we have a new soul growing inside of my sister.  a soul already completely Known, and infinitely Loved by her Creator.  

we have a family of bodies and souls (just so i don’t sound too dualistic for China’s taste) that is rooted in Christ.  

we have a Christian family that lifted their hearts and souls in prayer for our family and our Mimi during the past month or so, and that we love dearly.  

we have the hope of Resurrection.  we have all we need.  

i believe a lot of thanksgiving is in order.  let us give thanks together.  He is with us always, even until the end of time.  in His Word.  in the Greatest Gift of His Precious Body and Blood through the Sacrament of Thanksgiving--the Eucharist.   and in the Body of Christ.  

let all things now living a song of thanksgiving to God our Creator triumphantly raise.

i love you all.
a most blessed, and happy Thanksgiving to you and your kin