sing to the mountains

What follows is a post I composed on the Feast of St. Thomas while abroad in Park City with my parents.  The Gospel of the famous "Doubting Thomas" struck a spark in my soul, and I was inspired to write for the first time in a long time.  So much so that I was willing to type it out on an iphone (as is mentioned in the first line).  So there is your intro to the one bit of writing I did while flitting about the country.  I shall include only iphone photos in this, as it seems only fitting to the apparatus used to write it.  

I am writing this bit of bloggery on an iPhone that insists on autocorrecting words such as bloggery. If I pull this post off I will consider it one of my greatest technological achiements to date. Why autocorrect didn't autocorrect achievements I'll perhaps never know. I have been living in no time zone Texas land for almost 3 weeks now, and I am concluding my "retreat from time" in the mountains. 

It feels right, because the mountains have been the place to go for transformation Biblically speaking since forever, give or take a few thousand years. I have not been moved to write since I arrived at my beloved sleepy street that rests in the protective arms of the Texas hill country, and I chalk that up to the Holy Spirit and my need to practice being still and knowing that He is God. Something that I have never really been able to do. And let me tell you, I never feel so uncomfortable as when I truly attempt to give up myself to His will at every moment, because dammit, I know what's best for me right? Pause for laughter and head shaking at my, to put it gently, silly pride. At least this confirms that I am, in fact, human. A daughter of Eve as Mr. Tumnus would say. 

So if there were any doubts of my species, doubt no longer. I, like my parents before me and their parents before them etc etc back to our first parents, want to make ourselves god. The thing is, we didn't make ourselves, and had no control over anything starting from the moment of our conception. God runs the show, and He runs it with or without our consent. The miraculous thing is, He wants us to be a part of His plans. He became man so that our desire to become like God could be fulfilled. The sad and beautiful thing is, He has given us freedom to choose life with Him, or death apart from Him. He gives us what we choose, just like He gave the angels what they chose. But, He gives us time, grace, mercy, the Church, and His own Flesh and Blood for food, to help us choose Life and Love and all that is Good. There is nothing good apart from Goodness Himself, as there is no Love apart from Love and Joy and Truth Himself.

"I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live" Deutoronomy 30:19

"There are set before you fire and water; to whichever you choose, stretch forth your hand.

Before man are life and death, whichever he chooses shall be given him" Sirach 15: 16-17

The thing is, I more often than not choose sin. I am a wretched sinner, in fact, and Satan likes to throw that in my face over and over again, because he rather me look at myself than Jesus, and knows I have issues with my wretchedness and what not. But our Lord has said to me, in His infinite mercy:


 "OF COURSE, my little child, of course you sin. I still want you. No matter what you do, I will ALWAYS want you with me in Heaven for eternity.  My song is Love, beloved child, I am Love, and Love covers all of your sin. Look not at your darkness but at my light. Look not at you sins, but My infinite Love and Mercy that washes it all away. Look not at the wounds you have inflicted on yourself and others, and place your fingers into My wounds, the wounds that heal you. Whatever happens in this life, do not forget what you and every single soul, no matter how wretched, is worth to Me. I chose death that you might have life.  Choose life, then!"


The greatest obstacle of my life has been to accept His Love without trying some new super pious way to earn it. To look at myself in reality, see what I really am, and trust that He could see even more of the real me, and still want me. But that was precisely His reason for coming to earth, and staying with us for always in the Eucharist.  So that we know, no matter how awfully wretched we may be or just imagine we are, there is One Who desires to be with us forever in paradise, and to give us an abundant life here on earth.  


This, however, takes our cooperation.  He never forces Himself on us.  As one of my dearest and best teachers in this life said: "God is a lover, not a rapist".  He will never insist that we choose Love and happiness for ourselves.  He Loves us so much, He gives us the freedom to choose darkness, fear, and lies if that is what we want to do.  And let me tell you, I have chosen all those things.  


But He very patiently waits and beckons to us in the quiet of our hearts.  Just like the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son, he watches for our return, and He runs to meet us when we come back.  He forgets our sins the moment we say we are sorry, and He invites us in to feast on His Love.  


There is no sin that He will not forgive.  There is no darkness that cannot be overcome by His Light.  There is no sorrow that He will not turn into dancing. All we need do is ask.  All we need do is realize our utter helplessness to do anything, and ask Him to do everything.  This is what I have learned and will continue to learn every day of my life.  To stop putting limits on God.  To let Him be God in my life, and do whatever He wants.  Pretty soon, miracles will start happening I think.  Because once one begins to believe that what the Angel said to our Lady is true, and gives the Holy Spirit the space to move, anything could happen.  

"For nothing will be impossible for God.”