the old bug attack routine

The great insect attack of 2013 is well underway and gaining momentum.  I won’t mention the r-word again, because we’ve had enough of those prehistoric blammers.  And I’ll only make brief to do about the freakish centipede zombie hybrids that have invaded my office as of late.  I have come to blows with two of their kind.  They met their maker in the forms of the bottom of my shoe and the bottom of my trashcan, respectively.

The real story is the time the stink bug almost made me wreck myself.  Read on for the harrowing details of my tale: Near death-by-creepedoutness, crawling to a computer screen near you.  

Don't even get me started on the imminent cicada infestation soon
to arrive or the fact that someone made a cookbook that features cicadas in every dish or that said cookbook was left
on my chair with chocolates today at work. What the WHAT?

I was driving back to district 12 from VA on the pitch black road that was very district twelve-after-9 PM-ish.  All of the sudden I heard the skin crawl inducing clash and buzzuzz of stink bug exterior with dashboard.  

In that moment, shiz. got. real.   

I knew I was in the company of a thing that would, if it got too close to me, turn me into a level 9 spazz who would have no control over her senses or steering wheel.  

At first I couldn’t see it, but the stinker remedied that for me in no time.  I was almost glad I could see his dark, menacing silhouette against the luminous glow of the dash.  

Suffice it to say it made shiz get even realer.  

And then I began to pray, because I was fairly certain that if that thing flew at me, it would be all over but the ambulance ride after I crashed due to uncontrollable flailings.  After several desperate prayers that the monster would not come at me, I tried to reason with myself...desperate times, my friends.

 

I began to attempt a very logical pep talk that went something like this:

Ok, if it flies at you, you cannot lose control.  It won’t hurt you. It...won’t...ohmygoshohmygoshwhatifitlandsonmeeee????  a;shefr9oawffasd;lfjlaksdjf. I. Will. FREAK a LEAK.

Well that was super effective.

Take 2:

Whatever it does to you will hurt less than a car accident.  

Put your big girl pants on and deal (this is a paraphrase to show you what it takes for me to even try to get over my phobia of bugs in a life or death scenario).

*Nota bene: You may wonder “did the thought to pull over and try to take care of this the civilized way (i.e. a clean and simple massacre on the side of the road) ever occur to you during this absurd experience?”

Don’t be silly.  Of course it occurred to me.  The question you should have asked was: “Why the HECK didn’t you do that instead of this obviously useless pep talk?”

My answer: Hello, my name is Elisa, and I am an extreme buggaphobic.  

Definition: Human who rarely to never uses the gift of reason when it comes to the insect kingdom due to gross amounts of fear in regard to their exoskeletons and their desire to ruin me.

Also, did I mention it was as dark as district 12 after 9:00 PM? Because it was.  Very horror movie friendly darkness that I did not long to contend with alongside the present potential killer.  

So as I pep talked it up, guy kept it cool.

And then, it made a move.  And oh the realness of this shiz!  

It appeared, by the Grace of God, that my pep talk sort of worked and I did not freak the freak out...not until I felt it’s wretched body touch my leg and then, as we say in this post, shiz. got. realllyyy cray.

I did the best grape stompin’ impression I could muster.  My leg that was not currently on the gas pedal made itself useful and blammed and blammed and blammed the deuce out of the floor until my brain was convinced enough that he could not have survived the anvil of my grape stompin’ wrath (literary reference points!).

I looked out into the dark beyond, my face barely visible by the glow of the dash, heart racing,  leg restful but wary, ready to be called back to duty at a moments notice.  

And thankful to be alive, even in a world full of bugs bent on my destruction.

So there you go it. My brush with death by thing a million times smaller than me.

And now, what we've all been waiting for: my fave iphone shots as of late that prove the Glory of God's creation more than compensates for all bug attacks.

Hydrangeas always always make me think of It's a Wonderful Life and that scene when she  modestly hides in a grand bush of these lovelies as George Bailey makes himself as adorably charming as possible (and dance by the light of the mooooon)

Favorite quote of the week:

God's mercy is like an unleashed torrent; it bears away all hearts in its flood.

– St. John Vianney

Go take a bath in God’s Mercy.  He is ready to completely immerse you in it.  All you need do is ask.  

P.S. Holy Spirit prayer because Pentecost is only 2 sleeps away!!!

 

Happy Friday! Go have some bubbly, frothy, frosty milk and some fresh-from-the-oven cookies or something super rad time like that.

because you and Friday deserve to live it up in delicious weekend land together foreverr.  Plus, you deserve it for having just read a post almost entirely about really creepy bug situations.